I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
