Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Apparently you make a good broom.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
