finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
