Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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