I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
