Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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