It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
