He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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