Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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