He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
