you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
