I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
