I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
