Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
babies were throwing up all over the place
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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