the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
