Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
