He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
