so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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