Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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