That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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