Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
