Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Randomize
