I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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