i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i drank out of a bidet.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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