Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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