Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
