I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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