Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
