Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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