dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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