Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
