Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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