I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
