This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
