My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
