I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
