Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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