pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
