I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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