I think I died a long time ago.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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