my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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