i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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