I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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