When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize