Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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