I feel great
I just peed on a car
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
worst night to have a conscience
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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