im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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