It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
