you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
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Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
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HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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