Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Randomize
