Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
