I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
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Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
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she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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