They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
