I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
