Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going