this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.